Here I Go Again

Well, here I am again. Another year later, many changes, and I'd like to think I'm a little wiser. Since my last post (in November of 2010), my life has changed dramatically. I'm a mommy now. Wow! I'm a mommy now! Sometimes that thought hits me like a ton of bricks. Our son was born August 5, 2011 and is our pride and joy.

The pregnancy was fun. Ok, terrifying. Seriously, it was scary. How do women cope with pregnancy after a loss without being stressed? I truly don't think it can be done. All through the first trimester I had terrible morning (all-day) sickness. I kept thinking, "once the first trimester is over, I won't worry so much." The greatest risk of miscarriage is in the first trimester, after all.

During the second trimester, my morning sickness went away. I felt great, actually, which is great...right? NO! I was terrified that something was wrong because I no longer felt the morning sickness (which is usually a sign of a health pregnancy) and it was too early to feel movement. I felt a sense of panic before every ultrasound only to find my fears unfounded.

By the third trimester, I felt hopeful. I felt like, "Hey, this is really going to happen for us." My belly grew bigger and I finally looked pregnant. I could feel him kicking like crazy, mostly at night. I loved that part of my pregnancy.

I started having problems at 31 weeks with early contractions which thankfully never resulted in anything. At 37 weeks, we noticed some minor problems with the baby's heartrate, but the doctor said he'd prefer to at least wait until 38 weeks unless we really, really needed to induce. One day before he turned 38 weeks, I didn't feel any movement all day while I was at work. "It's okay," I thought. "He's usually active in the evenings. I'll see what he does then." That evening -- still nothing. I did what any crazy, panicky, first time momma would do and headed to the ER (for the 5th time that trimester, to be exact). Turns out, it was serious this time. Although he scored a perfect 8 on his biophysical profile two days before, this day, he only scored a four. A few hours and one emergency c-section later, our little guy was born.

I won't even talk about the hospital stay because, honestly, it was a nightmare. The only reason I will ever give birth at that hospital again is because it is the only one my OB participates with. And I love him. Really, truly, I love him (and so does hubby). He was great.

Since then, life has felt like a whirlwind! He is nearly six months old now, growing so fast, accomplishing so much and bringing more happiness to us than I ever thought possible. I am now back to work and trying to juggle being a mommy with a career. That guilt trip is for another post, though, so I'll leave it there.

Here I Go Again

I'm Back (No, Really)

Well, 2010 has not been my year for blogging even though loads has happened. Let me just quickly sum up our life since February:

February - April: Life is pretty much the same as usual. Comfortable. Not too exciting; not too boring.

May - July 28th: Hubby gets new job with local sheriff's office. Happy! He's always wanted to go into law enforcement. He works a few months with other deputies learning the ropes.

July 28th - Hubby leaves for 15 weeks of training at the police academy. Sad. :-( He gets to come home on weekends, though.

August 24th - Found out I was pregnant! Couldn't have been happier.

September 7th - Found out I was miscarrying. It was a heartbreak unlike any I have ever felt before.

October - present: TTC again. Hubby has graduated police academy (president of his class I might add). Things are back to a new kind of normal where I'm happy with having hubby home, hopeful about the future, and still sad about the loss.

I'm Back (No, Really)

A New Month, A New Start

Time flies! I can't believe January is finished and February is here already. I have big plans for February. BIG PLANS! :-) I turn 28 this month, too, and thinking about that is putting things into perspective for me. Not that I'm one of those women who dreads getting older or anything...no. I'm just feeling more like an adult than a "trying to make it" 20-something. Know what I mean?

Lots of things are changing for me - again. Priorities are different. Work is different. I am different. I need to align myself now more with my life's goals rather than just skating by from one day to the next with nothing tangible in mind. Some of this, I know, was sparked by the loss of my mother. Now that she's gone, I don't feel like a child anymore. That probably sounds silly; I still have my dad. But one-half of that child-parent relationship is gone now and it just feels...strange...and forever changed.

What is in store for you in February? Do you have big plans or are you just hoping to unthaw?

A New Month, A New Start

Will 2010 Be Better?

First thing's first...I'm a doofus and let my domain expire. So now, instead of sonotdomestic.com, you need to bookmark www.notdomestic.com. Sucks, I know, but I hadn't logged in for so long that I hadn't noticed.

I can't believe that I've not made a post since July. It's been a hard year all around. I've taken on a second job out of the home and really enjoy it. I still work at home, too, when I can, and that makes for a very busy schedule of about 80 hours a week. I won't complain, though, because some people have no jobs and I'm lucky enough to have two.

My mom passed away a little over three weeks ago. Sadly, that is what is on my mind most of all lately, so I apologize in advance for any depressing posts. I'll try to keep them to a minimum. I've started journaling about my mother, though, and it's already helping so much. I'm going to start scrapbooking about her, too, after finding this fantastic site about scrapbooking through grief. Perhaps it will help some of you. :)

I have just ONE New Year's resolution for 2010...I'm going to spend more time with my family...as much as possible. It's what Mom would have wanted. We all need each other right now.

What do you think is in store for you in the new year?

Will 2010 Be Better?

Putting Out Fires

Cover of The Wedding Date (Widescreen Edition)

I have a confession. Several nights back, I had a dirty dream. Where this dream came from, I have no idea. I suppose I should tell you what it was, though. In the dream, I was on vacation on a beach. I called up this guy - a male escort - for the sole purpose of getting it on. I didn't even know that male escorts existed until I had watched The Wedding Date a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, my escort was incredibly hot and...incredible...in many other ways as well. It was such a realistic dream that when I woke up, I was disappointed it was over and then worried that I had talked in my sleep because it seemed so real. I can only imagine what I would have said. Hubby never mentioned me talking in my sleep, though, so I figured I was safe.

The next night, just to be sure I didn't indulge in more dirty dreams, I laid in bed and read the news on my Blackberry. Financial problems, murder, mayhem, Michael Jackson - that will teach my subconscious a lesson! No way will there be any dirty dreams after that, right?

I woke up the next morning with the memory of burning buildings. Ahh, YES! No dirty dreams. Smugly, I walk into my bathroom and start getting ready for the day. Soon enough, hubby was behind me and I saw a smirk on his face as I looked in the mirror.

Him: Hey babe, have any good dreams last night?
Me: Hm, nope. I don't think so.
Him: Are you sure? There was lots of moaning.
Me: *Blushing* No, definitely not. I remember some burning buildings.
Him: These were not moans over a burning building.
Me: I was dreaming that I was trying to find a way to put out the fires! It was nothing dirty!
Him: Unless you were planning to pat out the fires with your gyrating hips, I'm pretty sure it was a dirty dream.

Putting Out Fires

When Will He Learn?

Hubby spent three hours at Lowes yesterday picking through all the doors, crown molding, baseboard, etc. to pick the very best of it for my bedroom. I appreciate the effort he's putting into this bedroom for me. I really do. That's why he needs as little interference from me as possible. I'm a complete klutz and screw up when it comes to any sort of manual labor.

So, having not learned his lesson in the previous weeks, he asked me to help him carry a door into the bedroom.

ME: Honey, that is such a bad idea. You know what a klutz I am.

HIM: All you have to do is keep it away from the ceiling fan.

*Note: Not sure why we didn't think to just turn off the ceiling fan. We just didn't.*

ME: *Sigh* OK.

HIM: *As he maneuvers door almost past the ceiling fan* OK, OK, Careful, that's it...careful around the fan.

ME: *Looks down to see where clumsy feet are going*

THWAP! THWAP! THWAP! THWAP!

In case you didn't know, that's the sound of the ceiling fan tearing into the brand new door for our bathroom.

Hubby then looks at me with a completely horrified look on his face. Horrified that I could actually be so clumsy as to do the very thing he told me not to do 10 seconds before. Horrified that he spent so much on the door to just have me ruin it. Horrified that it's going to take him even more time now to make it look OK after the ceiling fan's attempt to rip it to shreds.

After I had a mini mental breakdown and vowed to myself that I will never move again lest I cause more destruction, I mumbled an apology. He's only made a couple of remarks about it (to make fun of me).

When will he learn that asking me to help with such things is only creating more work for himself?

On another note, if you want to know what we are doing in our bedroom, here's a picture.

These are the colors (wall is Pine Needle, ceiling is Ochre, trim is Honeysuckle Bloom). I'll take a picture of our actual bedroom once the crown molding is up and the hardwood floor is installed. Yep, I wanted hardwood in the bedroom. I'm not a carpet kind of gal. Well, that and the fact that we have three cats who seem to prefer vomiting on carpet rather than smooth surfaces. I wonder why that is?

When Will He Learn?

Small Doses of Sarcasm

I love sarcasm. Other people, not so much. Therefore, I try to keep my doses as small as possible when I'm around others. Hubby, in particular, while having a dry humor of his own, tends to think that I'm nagging when using sarcasm.

But sometimes, I just can't help it.

Case in point: I am in the kitchen loading this dishwasher and spy the vacuum with its cord strewn all through the den. Hubby has used the vacuum because he vacuumed the bedroom. I should be grateful he vacuumed the bedroom, right? I am. But I just can't stop myself from saying..."What exactly is your aversion to wrapping the cord around the vacuum properly?"

Another example: Hubby will hit snooze on his alarm a bazillion times. Again and again and again...I can't stand it. How do you people keep doing that? The sound is so irritating to me that I have to get up the first time the alarm goes off so I don't hear it again. After one too many times of hearing his alarm a few days ago, I threaten to kick his nipples off if he lets it go one more time.

I'm really trying not to complain or be too sarcastic. Back in May (I think), I did a complaint free week and it was wonderful! We did get along better, absolutely. It requires more patience than I have on a full time basis but perhaps it's time to try again. Who's with me. Anyone...anyone?

Small Doses of Sarcasm

Sit This One Out

As you know, hubby and I have been renovating (pics to come soon, I promise). So...we were painting in our bedroom last night. We added sand to the paint to give the walls some texture (and it is also wonderful for hiding flaws). I have NEVER painted with sanded added, though. I look at the thick goop, roll my roller in it...and just stare at the wall.

ME: I don't know what to do.
HIM: You just paint like you do without the sand in it.
ME: Really? I thought there would be a difference.
HIM: Just do it like this...*proceeds to show me how.*
ME: Got it.

A few minutes pass...
ME: I'm not getting this. Mine looks awful.
HIM: Keep trying, just do what I showed you. Go over the bottom because you have a lot of texture up top and not much at the bottom.
ME: *Hesitantly* Erm, ok.

A few more minutes pass...
HIM: *Looking at my wall that is now flawed almost beyond repair*...Why don't you sit this one out?

So, moral of the story is, I sucked. I do not know how his walls are so awesome and mine look like a two year old did them. *Sigh* I'm not talented at this sort of thing. I know what I want, but I want someone else to do it for me. Any volunteers?

Sit This One Out

For REAL?

Wow, I had no idea that I hadn't updated this blog since May. My, how time flies when you're...not blogging. No excuse, really. I've been busy...yes. But who isn't? So this will just be a mishmash of what I have in my head right now.

1. We have been doing loads of home improvement projects and most recently finished the tile in the bathroom. Fun. Or not. But it looks great, so I'm happy. We are painting the bathroom and our bedroom next...doing new trim, doors, ummm basically everything. Oh and we're doing hardwood floors. This is our tile (which we got on clearance).


2. Next Saturday will be one year since my brother passed away. In the past couple weeks I've went through being sad, angry, grieved, devastated, happy that he's no longer in pain...and now...like there's a big gaping hole in my heart. I thought that since I had dealt with it well in the past few months that the one year anniversary of his death wouldn't be that difficult. It is. It's hard. And it sucks.

3. I'm thinking of becoming Catholic. I don't feel the need to really elaborate on this anymore at the moment...maybe sometime in the near future, though.

4. I'm back to wanting a baby. Badly. We were very much considering adopting a little girl, but circumstances weren't favorable...though those are changing with the little girl we were considering. So...we'll see.

5. Finally, I probably haven't been blogging as much because I've been journaling more. Actual "hold in your hands" type journals. While I've been journaling, I've been listening to David Nevue. Wow, is he awesome. I had never even heard of him before I listened to his music on someone else's blog. This is one of my favorite songs:

How are all of you?

For REAL?

Whoa, Baby! Nightmares about Motherhood

I have had a disturbing dream quite a few times now. In my dream, I am working, out with friends, at a function...whatever. Basically, I am out of the house. All of a sudden, I will remember I have a baby who is only a few weeks old. My baby. An actual baby I gave birth to. Horror fills my heart to the brim. I rush off to find my poor, neglected baby at home.

When I pick up the baby, he or she is crying, filthy, and starving. My heart breaks as I give the baby food, a bath, a clean diaper, etc. After I get it all taken care of, though, I try to hide the fact that I completely forgot about the baby.

Is this disturbing, or what? My hubby and I have no children yet and I know this wouldn't happen. Yet every time I wake up from this dream, I feel very apprehensive. Has anyone else had dreams like this but turned out to be a wonderful mother? This is starting to affect my confidence as a potential mother. Crazy, I know, but I can't shake the feeling even now, just thinking about it.

Whoa, Baby! Nightmares about Motherhood